The Beard
“A woman with a beard looks like a man. A man without a beard looks like a woman.” - Afghan Saying
I’ve always wanted to be able to grow a massive beard. One that makes other dudes jealous. Like when I walked down the street, dudes would elbow each other and say “holy crap look at that dude’s beard.” No matter how small your muscles are, if a young dude has a rocking beard he can look intimidating. A beard can also be a symbol of wisdom and good judgment. Some of my favorite dudes rocked beards, like Leonardo Da Vinci, Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, and Gandalf. Now here’s the sad part: I will never have a beard. Allow me to provide some evidence and further explanation as to why this is.
Exhibit A: here is a picture of my pal Matt Ables.
Notice that only after a few weeks, it is thick enough that small objects could be completely hidden from view within the beard. In fact, he has a Tylenol hidden in there to take later in case he gets a headache from crushing things on his head. Also notice how he looks like he is either about to murder someone or chop down a massive old oak tree. These are the normal awesome results from a well-grown beard. It’s a good thing Matt’s wife Beth doesn’t have pogonophobia.
Now let’s mosey on down to Exhibit B.
This is approximately the same amount of time of facial hair growth as Matt’s picture. Yet notice the stringiness and pathetically thin coverage. No area of skin on my face ever really went out of view. There’s no where for a Tylenol to hide. This would not help to keep me warm if I found myself fighting for survival in the frigid wilderness. And comparing our two upper lips, one might conclude that there is no way we have been growing those mustaches the same amount of time. But I am sad to say it is true. Attempting to grow facial hair in order to look hardcore actually has the complete reverse effect for me. It makes me look younger and wussier. And scientists are currently studying me to try to figure it out because I’m the first ever recorded case of this phenomenon.
Anyways, I suppose it’s not in the books for me to ever have an awesome beard. Everyone is born with different natural advantages and disadvantages. My blinding running speed and extremely high tolerance for pain will have to suffice.
